1. Don't think about the kids (not even for a second).
This one's for you, Supermama! "If a woman wants to have a happier and
more fulfilling sex life with her husband, she's got to set aside
whatever is distracting her from him—that includes the kids," says Les
Parrott, PhD, professor of psychology at Seattle Pacific University and
author of Crazy Good Sex. Here's why this is so critical, Dr. Parrott explains: "He knows when you are genuinely with him, and when you are merely trying to check sex with him off your list."
2. One word: lube. Lubricant
is the little thing that every woman should try to improve her sexual
pleasure, and in some cases, even reduce sex-induced pain, says Amy
Levine, sex coach, certified sexuality educator and founder of SexEdSolutions.com.
"Using a lube is sure to enhance sexual enjoyment," says Levine. "Some
women feel there is a stigma attached to using over-the-counter
lubricants, as they are self-conscious that it implies something is
wrong with them." Not true! "The truth is, our natural lubrication comes
and goes during a sexual encounter; it's not necessarily an indication
of our arousal. Besides, using a lube can make penetration a lot more
enjoyable for both partners," she adds.
3. Don't strive for perfection.
Cellulite? Baby weight? If you can manage to ignore it during sex, it
will only intensify your pleasure, says Scott Haltzman, MD, clinical
assistant professor at Brown University and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women. After all, your husband probably doesn't notice it anyway. "Many women think they have to compete with Sports Illustrated
models or porn stars in order to turn their man on," he says. "But your
man married you because you already had the right stuff. When women
obsess about getting it perfect in bed, they actually increase their
levels of anxiety and are less able to feel fulfilled. You can let your
and your husband's natural rhythms guide you, rather than think about
what move to do next. And if you're not getting the right vibes, it's OK
to ask for what you want, or to ask what pleases him."
4.Silence your inner critic.
Do you ever find yourself thinking about negative things in the
bedroom? Whether it's about him, you or something else, try to zap those
thoughts fast. "Nothing will sabotage a woman's sex life with her
husband more than critical thoughts," says Dr. Parrott. "The key is to
relax and be in the moment as much as possible. Criticism, even if it's
not articulated, is deeply wounding in this most tender of places. Sex
is a vulnerable act, and because of that, criticism is certain to cause
anxiety and defensiveness. Make your bedroom a criticism-free zone."
5. Remember the emotional side of sex.
"Why do studies show that married people have better sex then their
wild and crazy single friends, or even their cohabitating pals?" asks
Dr. Haltzman. "Because when you have an emotional connection to the
person you are in bed with, the quality of the sex can be richer and
deeper. When you're with your husband, focus on the commitment you have
toward each other. See yourselves not just together in bed, but together
in life, and it will increase your passion, and your sexual pleasure."
6. Schedule sex.
It doesn't sound very sexy, but putting sex on your calendar may be one
of the most important things a couple can do, says Levine. "Many women
are 'doing it all'—taking care of the kids, having a job and running the
household—and it's getting in the way of 'doing it.' Our lives are so
hectic and sometimes our sex life is moved to the back burner. But if
you want to make it sizzle, make the time for intimacy and pleasure."
7. A quick phone call, e-mail or smile—think about "foreplay" in new ways.
Do you have 30 seconds? Send your husband a steamy text message or an
innocent little "I love you" e-mail. It will go a long way in the love
department, says Dr. Parrott. "Sexual intimacy rests on the foundation
of emotional intimacy—especially for a woman," he says. "The happiest
couples in the bedroom are the couples who see opportunities for
emotional foreplay all day long. For these couples, sex is not a few
minutes of physical pleasure, it's a process that involves engaging
conversations and gentle caresses as a prelude to what happens in bed."
8. Put a lock on your bedroom door.
Nothing quashes desire like a midnight intruder at the door saying,
"Mommy, I have to go potty!" Dr. Parrott says, "If you have little ones,
you're bound to be nervous about them showing up at the most
inopportune moment, so eliminate this fear with a simple lock. Untold
couples suffer anxiety about this when it is such a simple problem to
solve."
9. Try to keep anger out of the bedroom.
"For many couples, when you feel bad about your relationship, you feel
bad about sex too," says Dr. Haltzman. "When conflict leads to feelings
of resentment toward your mate, that can be a red flag for the health of
the marriage. The best solution for letting go of the hurt is to stop
and try to see your husband's behavior from his point of view. Remember,
it's not like he wakes up in the morning and says, 'What can I do to
make her life miserable?' so don't assume the worst."
10.Initiate sex.
When's the last time you instigated sex? "This may be the most
important tip of all," says Dr. Parrott. "Far too many women wait for
their husband to make the move. And after a while, this sends an
unintended message to him—that you see sex with him as a duty. Don't let
that happen! Make it your goal to initiate sex with him at least once a
month. You'll be amazed at how responsive he is!"
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